Safer Sex Options
You have a number of options in making sex safer. Below is a list of safer sex strategies that greatly reduce STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection) transmission: condoms, female condoms, STI testing, and low risk sexual activities.

Condoms are cheap, widely available, and reduce your risk significantly when used correctly.

Female Condoms reduce your risk and feel great. They are worn by the receptive partner either vaginally or anally and can be inserted up to 8 hours in advance.

STI/STD Testing If your partner doesn’t have an STI s/he isn’t going to infect you with an STI. Making sure your partner is STI free or getting treatment for existing STIs are effective safer sex methods as long as both partners remain monogamous. If you or your lover has sex with others or has had unsafe sex 3-6 months before testing, be sure to use this method in conjunction with other methods.

Low-Risk Sex Activities where body fluids aren’t exchanged without skin-to-skin genital contact aren’t likely to transmit infection. Some low-risk activities are:
● Admiring your lover’s body
● Masturbating together
● Cyber/Phone sex
● Using unshared sex toys together
● Erotic massage with gloves
● Watching porn together
● Clothed frottage (rubbing against each other)
● Erotic dancing
● Spanking
● Cuddling
●Nude drawing, painting, or photography

What are High Risk Sexual Activities?
Only three types of sexual activities put you and your partner at high risk for STI infection. These are unprotected oral, vaginal, and anal intercourse. If you avoid these three unprotected activities, you’re dramatically reducing your STI risk.

Starting the Conversation
You have a number of options in the way you bring up a safer sex discussion. You may choose the direct approach with a statement like, “By the way, I only have safe sex.” Or, you can get the conversation going with statements like, “I enjoy sex more if I know we’re going to stay safe.” Or, “What kind of condoms do you like?” Remember: you don’t have to bring up the conversation perfectly. The important thing is that you have the discussion.

Changing the status quo
What if safer sex means changing the status quo with your current partner? Remember to stay positive and avoid making accusations. Try: “I’ve decided to make a healthy change in my life…” Or, “I feel so comfortable/safe with you that I know I can talk to you about this.”   

Stay Calm
 If you’re relaxed about discussing safer sex, your partner is more likely to be relaxed as well. So, it’s best to find ways to calm yourself and get centered before having this conversation. Take deep breaths, remind yourself that you’re worth it, or say a prayer, anything that helps you find your peace.

You’re Worth It
You and your partner are worth the effort it takes to negotiate a safer sex strategy(s). You have options and can find what works for both of you. Empowering yourself in this way is possible, important, and just might increase your lifespan.

By Angela Towne, Sexuality Educator

Have a Stable Relationship First
Before introducing a third into your couple sex, be sure your primary relationship is stable. Although the experience of three-way sex can be healing for some, it can also magnify conflict and unresolved issues. Introducing a third person into your relationship dynamics requires a great deal of honest discussion, so be sure the communication lines are open.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Couples with successful three-way experiences tend to have excellent communication skills. After all, introducing a third gives them a lot of practice. What do couples communicate about? Boundaries
Who will join us? Only a stranger? Only a friend? What gender? Whatever your preference, discuss who you’re most comfortable with.

Where? Agree on a relaxed location, such as only at our house or only at a sex club.

Sexual Limits? Your sexual limits will probably be different with a joiner than they are with your mate. Be sure to discuss desires, uncertainties, and any off-limit activities.

Safer Sex. No matter what your age, sexual orientation, or economic status, everyone is vulnerable to STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection). Discuss what strategies all three of you will use to keep safe. (See “Safer Sex Communication Skills” for more information.)    
Your Joiner’s Boundaries
Your joiner has boundaries of his or her own that may or may not match your relationship boundaries. Have a discussion with your new sex partner as a couple to make sure everyone is comfortable and clear. Confirm that everyone agrees on boundaries before sexual activity begins.

Agreements Increase Your Chances
Here are examples of boundaries people agree on before group (or partner) sex that increase your chances of a positive experience. Agree to…

1. Ask First. No one has to do anything they don’t want to do. If someone is interested in an activity that hasn’t been explicitly discussed ahead of time, agree to ask first.

2. No Means No. Agree that any “no” response will be respected even if someone is changing his or her mind about a previous agreement.
 
3. Yes Means Yes. “I don’t know” and “maybe” responses mean “No, right now.” Agree to consider these alternate responses as “No” answers.
 
4. Safe Word(s). A safe word is a word that’s stated during sex play signaling that a participant wants to stop a particular activity. It’s best to choose a word that won’t be mistaken for play, such as a favorite city. Make sure all participants know what safe word(s) will be used ahead of time.

Red Flags
Introducing three-way sex into your long-term relationship should always be done with respect and full consent from all involved. If your partner, male or female, is pressuring, making ultimatums or threats, or is contacting potential sex partners against your wishes, these are red flags that your relationship could be abusive. Being forced or coerced into three-way sex is rape and is illegal. Never pressure anyone into sexual activity, and always bring your highest level of love and communication into these discussions.

By: Angela Towne, Sexuality Educator

Beginning the Discussion is Tricky.
Adding a third to your sex life begins with a great deal of discussion, yet, beginning the initial conversation can be tricky. It’s natural for a partner to feel intimidated by the suggestion of a major change in the status quo. Try to initiate this discussion in the context of “I’m sharing this fantasy because I feel comfortable with you.” Never bring this up in terms of “Something’s missing in our relationship.”

Don’t Pressure or Push
Don’t pressure your partner to desire a three-way as much as you do, and never push your partner into participating. This will only cause problems. Instead, try to remain open to your partner’s responses. Introducing a three-way requires excellent communication skills, so practice these skills by hearing out your partner’s concerns. Give your partner all the time s/he needs to consider this idea.

The Fantasy Stage
Couples that open their relationship to a three-way typically go through a fantasy stage. This stage can last many months or years depending on the couple. And, some couples stay in the fantasy stage permanently. The important thing to remember is to enjoy this stage. It can be fun, creative, and incredibly intimate.

Share Your Fantasies
Discussing the possibility of a three-way can be arousing. Let the idea of three-way sex be a turn-on during two-way encounters. Share your fantasies and inspire your partner to do the same. Remember that communicating fantasies is a form of intimacy and it’s natural to feel vulnerable. Encourage your partner to let down inhibitions and reveal secret desires by asking questions and conveying how much you’re enjoying your partner’s erotic imagination.

Adding a Fantasy Man
Another option is to incorporate the use of toys as stand-ins for a third person. Either partner can use a dildo to mimic actions a fantasy man might take. For example, if she’d like double penetration, he could penetrate her anally and use a dildo vaginally. If your fantasy involves hard to reach details, a dildo with a suction cup can come in handy. Armless, varnished wood chairs typically hold a suction cup and can be maneuvered into a variety of positions, such as laying the chair back on the floor and suctioning dildo to the seat to mimic doggie style, making your fantasy man come alive.

Adding a Fantasy Woman
 If adding a woman tricks your trigger, some couples find the use of a masturbation sleeve, sex donut, or sex doll does the trick. These sleeves and donuts come in a variety of styles including nubbed, vibrating, and cyber-skin, and some are quite realistic. Many types of sex dolls are also available with choices in ethnicity, body type, or even your favorite porn star. These toys can add a new dimension to sex play without the politics of adding a third person.

Keep an Open Mind
Whether or not your three-way fantasy will be realized remains to be seen. With an open mind, you can discover many creative ways to full-fill desires within the comfort level of both partners. In fact, with enthusiasm, these problem-solving skills can lead to creative eroticism never dreamed off.

By: Angela Towne, Sexuality Educator

An Attitude of Openness
The most important factor as a practitioner of sensual massage is your attitude. Massage isn’t about performance and achievement, but rather relaxation, pleasure, and connection. Keep a mindset of openness and curiosity while honoring your comfort and limitations as well as his.
 
Choosing a Massage Oil
You’ll be using plenty of massage oil, so take time to consider what type of lubricant you prefer. If post-massage intercourse might occur, choose condom compatible massage lubricant, such as KY Touch, as oils break down latex condoms (See “Choosing the Right Lubricant” for more information). Remember to warm up chilly lubricant by rubbing your hands together before application.

Massage Hygiene
It’s best if both partners have freshly bathed to help encourage intimate exploration. Be sure your nails are trimmed short and filed smooth. It’s no fun having long nails pushing into sensitive skin.

Encouraging Communication
Encourage plenty of feedback from your partner regarding where, how much, and what type of touch he prefers. Watch for body language that communicates pleasure, such as smiling and deep breathing, as well as discomfort, such as tensing the body or wincing. Ask specific, clarifying questions such as, “Does this feel good? More/less pressure? Right here?” 

Approaching with Full-Body Eroticism
Remember that all touch is sensual, so turn his whole body on with full-body eroticism before approaching his genitals. Pay attention to his especially erotic parts listed below.
∙ sides of the face ∙ ears      ∙ nape of the neck      ∙ center of the chest
∙ inner elbows  ∙ hands      ∙ naval area       ∙ behind the knees  
∙ inner thighs  ∙ feet      ∙ crease of his inner thighs and pelvis

Intuitive Touch
Use your intuition and partner feedback to determine the best kinds of touch for each body part. As a rule, begin with a softer touch and slowly increase intensity. You may try…
Tapping with alternating fingers
Lightly blowing on skin
Stroking with light pressure
Firm pressure pushing with thumbs and finger-tips
Kneading or squeezing and releasing 

Exploring His Genitals
Use your erotic imagination and curiosity when exploring his entire genital area. Use plenty of lubricant, a variety of touch, and request feedback as his preferences will vary. Be sure to respect any boundaries - both his and your own. Try…

Using a downward stroke from his corona, or head of the penis, down his shaft alternating hands

Tickling his frenulum, that small flap of skin joining the corona and shaft on the underside of his penis

Using both hands in an upward stroke applying pressure with your thumbs to his raphe, the center seam on the underside of the penis

Grasping his shaft firmly with one hand and circling his corona with the palm of your other hand

Holding his testicles and pulling downward (getting plenty of feedback)

Blowing or lightly tapping his testicles

A Wonderful Gift
Erotic massage is a wonderful gift to give your lover. You don’t have to have years of training, just an open mind, good communication skills, and a willingness to learn more about his body. You’ll find him relaxed, rejuvenated, and grateful. You’ll find yourself more knowledgeable, more sensual, and with greater sexual confidence. 

By Angela Towne, Sexuality Educator

Vocabulary Words to Get You Started

“Open Relationship,” “Polyamory,” and “Polyfidelity” describe various kinds of relationships or persons that aren’t monogamous.
Polyamory literally means “many loves” and is used to describe love relationships between many. Polyfidelity is used to describe commitment between many.

 “Primary” describes the person with whom you are most strongly bonded.

“Secondary” describes a person that is sexually or emotionally involved to less of a degree than your primary.
 
“Cheating” describes overtly lying about being monogamous or letting your partner assume that you’re monogamous when, in fact, you aren’t. Cheating isn’t the same as an “open relationship,” “polyamory,” or “polyfidelity” as these terms involve honesty and agreement.
 
Exception: Many open relationships don’t describe themselves in the hierarchical terms of primaries and secondaries and add others in an egalitarian manner. How you organize your relationships is up to you and your partner.

Setting the Boundaries
Agreements people make in open relationships are as varied as the people who make them. Specific boundaries will depend on you and your partner’s desires and anxieties. It’s important to take time to honestly discuss, honor, and negotiate solutions that comfort anxieties and meet desires. Never agree to anything you don’t want or pressure another into agreement – these false agreements will only cause difficulty in the long run. Remember to keep the lines of communication open as boundaries are likely to change over time.

What Kinds of Agreements do People Make?
The first agreement many people make is that their primary relationship comes first. This means issues between primaries takes precedence over secondary relationships.

Primaries may set boundaries that limit the intensity of their relationships with secondaries, such as no PVI (penis/vaginal intercourse) or one-time sex only.

Primaries may have agreements about location, such as no sex with others in our house or only on vacation.

Since it’s easy to use sex with secondaries to avoid issues between primaries, some partners agree to close their relationship should issues arise until these issues are worked through.
 
Safer Sex Agreements
There’s always agreements made about safer sex. When opening up your relationship to others, you can’t rely on the safety that monogamy affords within an STI/STD free couple. Whether you agree to consistent condom use, pre-sex STI testing, or engaging only in low-risk sexual activities, you and your partner will have to determine what safer sex tactics, or combination of tactics, work best for you.   
 
A Word about Jealousy
Jealousy is of huge significance in some relationships and isn’t an issue in others. Jealousy is a main reason couples decide against opening their relationship or decide to wait. Jealous feelings aren’t evidence of “real” love nor are these feelings evidence of personal moral failure. Jealous feelings may indicate a need to validate yourself or remind yourself of your own worth and strengths. A different way of coping with jealousy is looking at it through the lens of compurgence. Compurgence is that feeling you feel when you see someone you love being loved by someone else.

By: Angela Towne, Sexuality Educator

Feel Your Feelings
There’s no way around it, when it comes to healing from a break up, you’ve got to feel your feelings. Journal your rages, share your pain with supporters, and, most importantly, take time to cry. Give yourself plenty of space to feel the anger, regret, and sadness of this loss because the longer you postpone these feelings the longer it takes to heal. Remember to give yourself heaps of credit during this part of the process because actually experiencing the intensity of these difficult emotions takes courage.

Stop Looking to your Ex for Validation
We all want validation – that feeling of being right, good, and accepted. It can be habit to look to your Ex for the validation s/he used to provide. But, during a break-up your Ex isn’t going to see things the way you do. Stop looking to him or her to do so. Part of the growing process of a break-up is learning how to validate yourself.

Be on Your own Side
Some of the pain of breaking up is that feeling that you’ve lost an ally. You miss being around someone with whom you feel loved, interesting, and good about yourself. Now is the time to decide to be these things for yourself. Be your own ally. Say loving and positive things to yourself. Laugh at your own jokes. Treat yourself like royalty. Focus on your strengths and believe that you are a good person that deserves the best.

Find Ways to be Gentle
Our inner critic tends to be most active when we feel vulnerable, and, chances are, much slander is already flying your way during a break-up. It’s easy to buy into these internal and external criticisms and get down on yourself. The last thing you need right now is to beat yourself up. Find ways to be especially gentle with yourself and give yourself lots of support. Remember, there’s a difference between acknowledging your mistakes verses beating yourself over the head with them.

The Urge to Reconnect
Sometimes the pain seems so overwhelming that you might convince yourself that connecting with your Ex will take the pain away. Be prepared to deal with this impulse. Before picking up the phone or sending that e-mail, have a list of ten activities and ten people to call before you attempt to reconnect with your Ex. It is difficult to heal from a break-up until you really let that person go.

Look for Ways to Heal your Heart
An abundance of healing methods are out there to assist you in the grieving process. Seek out techniques that help you feel strong and positive. Check out the ideas listed below for inspiration.  
● Read books and watch movies about strong, courageous people.
● Create a list of your wonderful qualities and post it on the bathroom mirror.
● Buy yourself a new sex toy.
● Take a yoga class.
● Try a new hairstyle
● Get plenty of hugs from those you love.                                                                                                           

By Angela Towne, Sexuality Educator

Finding Your PC
The PC muscle encircles the urethra in both men and women. It’s the muscle you use to stop yourself from urinating when you can’t find a toilet. The easiest method to find yours is to try to stop the flow of urine midstream the next time you’re using the bathroom. Simply begin urinating, then squeeze, or pull up, your pelvic floor muscles to stop peeing, then relax them to resume urination. If your PC muscle is strong you should be able to stop the flow or urine. If this is difficult for you, your PC muscle is weaker.

Benefits of Sexercise
Different people report different benefits from strengthening their sexual muscles. You may experience some, all, or different benefits than these listed below.
 
Men
Men report awesome benefits of stronger erections, more intense orgasms, improved urinary control, and prolonged ejaculation. Sexologists state that, because the PC muscle surrounds the prostate gland, squeezing it hinders prostate hardening and swelling helping to avoid or heal prostate problems. Advanced practitioners of PC exercises report becoming multi-orgasmic men by learning how to separate orgasm and ejaculation.

Women
Practicing squeezing the PC muscle, also called Kegel exercises (pronounced Kay-gul) helps women have more intense orgasms, less incontinence, easier child birth, and a higher propensity for multiple orgasms. Sexologists claim that these exercises can help women avoid or eliminate vaginitis, cystitis, and constipation. Improving PC muscle strength and control can also have a profound effect on female sexual confidence.

PC Power
In our current culture, we tend to think of the thrusting of the penis as the action of intercourse. Actually, the vagina can be just as active as the penis when you learn to control your PC muscles. Just like it takes practice for men to learn how to move their penises with skill during intercourse, it takes practice for women to learn how use their vaginas to grip, massage, milk, and ripple. The gripping action of the vagina is the counterpart to the thrusting action of the penis. Putting the two together is rewarding for both partners.

Sexercising Your PC
There are a number of different variations of PC exercises out there. All PC muscle exercises are done by contracting and relaxing the pelvic floor. Specific exercises vary by number of contractions, amount of time spent holding each contraction, and the depth of the contraction.
A simple exercise: tighten your PC and hold for a count of five, then relax completely. Repeat 10 times.

The Kegel Fire Drill
One fun exercise is called the Kegel Fire Drill. Next time you are at a red light try to see how many times you can squeeze and release your PC before the light turns green. If you are an advanced sexerciser, see if you can hold one contraction throughout the entire red light.

Sexercises can be done anywhere!
Daily practice of building pelvic floor strength is easy to do and can go a long way in improving your sexual health. Sexercises can be done anywhere, at any time, without anyone knowing about it. Why not get started by trying a few right now?

By Angela Towne, Sexuality Educator

Lubricant Reduces Irritation
 The top layer of skin of the penis, vagina, and anus acts as a protector against many sexually acquired infections and diseases. Irritation and microscopic tears in the skin of these areas can be a route into the body for certain STIs, such as HIV. Using lubricant on these areas makes them slippery helping reduce irritation and tearing that can occur during sex. When you reduce irritation and tearing you are helping prevent potential routes into the body for many STIs.

Lubricant Saves Condoms
Using lubricant also helps keep condoms from breaking. Dry sex increases the friction and strain on condoms thus increasing the likelihood of condom breakage. Using a latex friendly lubricant (see “Choosing the Right Lubricant” for more information) on the inside and the outside of condoms helps keep condoms intact. An intact condom goes a long way in preventing numerous STIs.

Lubricant Increases His Sensation
“I add a drop or two of lube – just a little bit – to the inside of his condom and that really makes a big difference for him.”

Have you ever heard that having sex with a condom is like taking a shower while wearing a raincoat? Some men have an aversion to condoms because they miss the sensation of wetness while wearing one. Lubricant can go a long way in solving this dilemma. Before putting on your condom, add a few drops of latex friendly lubricant to the reservoir tip on the inside of the condom, then role the condom onto the penis as usual. The amount of lubricant men prefer varies, so experiment with more or less lubricant until you find what feels best to you.

Lubricant Keeps Dental Dams in Place
A dental dam is a small square of latex that helps prevent the transmission of STIs when performing cunniligus or anilingus (oral sex on the vulva or anus). Plastic wrap (non-microwavable is best) can be used for the same purposes; plus it’s cheaper, and covers a larger area. The tricky thing about using dental dams and plastic wrap is that they might not stay in place, they might bunch up, or they might accidently flip over exposing the oral sex performer to the very STI s/he is trying to avoid. Lubricant can go a long way in solving this harrowing problem. Simply coat the entire pubic and vulva area or the anal area with lubricant and place the plastic wrap (or dental dam) on top. The lubricant will cause the plastic wrap to stick to the area thus helping keep it in place.
Note: If you are using latex dental dams be sure to use latex friendly lubricant such as a silicone or water-based lubricant. 

Make Safer Sex Happier Sex
Adding the use of lubricant to your safer sex practices is easy and inexpensive. Lubricant helps increase the effectiveness of condoms and dental dams in preventing infection and helps make condoms more pleasurable to use. So make your safer sex happier sex and pick up a bottle of sex lubricants today!

Angela Towne, Sexuality Educator

The Scene
BDSM is a type of performance art. Actors work to engage all of the senses to create a psychological situation that plays with the edges of our sexuality. A scene is set up like a stage, the contents of which depend on the participants. The more senses you can engage during a scene – the smell of scented candles, the feel of the fake fur flogger - the more you will be psychologically immersed.

Costumes are Crucial
Like any theater production costumes are crucial to the performance. What self-respecting slave doesn’t wear his dog collar? The specific type of attire depends on the fantasy you’re trying to create. You and your partner can have all kinds of fun choosing from an array of stockings, heels, gloves … http://fascinations.stockroom.com/category/fetish/costumes/

Use Common Sense and Creativity
The line can be thin between what scares us and what turns us on. In BDSM, a good top will never put a bottom in real danger. Instead use common sense and creativity. If your partner wants to include a knife in a scene, for example, you might show your partner the knife, blindfold him or her, then use the edge of a credit card to create the feel of a blade. Or, you might use an ice cube to create the sensation of being burned by fire. Remember BDSM is about performance, not harming others.

Bondage for Tops
When tying up your loved one make sure to use materials that allow for good blood circulation and don’t cause rope burn. Different materials have different burn speeds, so try out materials on yourself first. Using nylons or nylon rope is not a good idea and never use rubber bands for bondage. Check a bottom’s hands and feet throughout a scene to make sure s/he is getting good circulation. If hands or feet change color or become cold, these are indicators that circulation has been cut off and untie your partner immediately.

A Word about Candles Wax
Burning candles are often used in scenes and sooner or later you’ll probably get the idea to drop some hot wax on your partner (be sure your partner consents to this activity). Be aware that different candles burn at different temperatures and some materials, such as bee’s wax, can actually burn the skin.  Use candles that are specifically designed to be dripped on skin, such as the Suntouched 3-in-1 Candle.

Ask Questions and Communicate
BDSM plays with our fantasies and our psychology. Ask questions and communicate the details of your desires. Take time to plan a scene. Have fun collecting your costumes and props. http://fascinationsx.com/ Most importantly keep it safe and consensual (See “Including BDSM Play in Relationships: Getting Started” for more information).

Angela Towne, Sexuality Educator

A Few Vocabulary Words…

“Scene”
BDSM has been described as “mostly theater,” so it makes sense that a BDSM session is called a scene. The details of a particular scene depend on the desires of the participants; all scenes must be negotiated ahead of time.

“Bottom”
The role of the “bottom” is to set the boundaries and content of the scene.

“Top”
The “top” is responsible for making sure all the activities that make up a scene stay within the boundaries of the bottom. It is said that “The burden of safety is on the top.” Acting as the top requires a great deal of time, energy, and focus in order to create a scene based on the limits and desires of the bottom.

Consent in BDSM
Giving consent means that those involved freely agree to participate in a sexual scenario. Because of the nature of BDSM, a great deal of communication and negotiation needs to take place before a scene begins. Partners should communicate specific details about the type of situation they desire as well as the boundaries of play. Be sure to discuss any fears, uncertainties, and any “hard limits,” which are activities that you will not participate in.

Consent Continues throughout Play
The focus on consent doesn’t end once limits are established, but continues throughout play. Tops constantly check-in with their bottoms throughout a scene by stating boundaries and seeing their bottom’s reaction, such as, “Can you take seven more for me?” Resistance can be part of the turn on, so tops must be very attentive to indicators of limits, especially when increasing the intensity of play. If your partner starts holding his breath or tensing her body, these are indicators that your partner is not okay and it’s time to back off or stop. If there is any question about whether or not your partner is having difficulties STOP the scene.

Safety Words
Safe words are words stated to signal a limit or to end a scene. Agree on a safe word that will not be confused as part of the action, such as stating your full name. Another popular method is using colors, such as “green” to indicate all is good, “yellow” to indicate “caution, I’m approaching my limit.” And “red” to indicate “stop.”

But What if I’m Gagged?
You might be thinking, “But what do I do if I’m gagged?” If you are negotiating a scene where you won’t be able to speak, there are a number of “safe signals” that you can use. A bottom might hold a ball (or other object) in one hand and drop the ball if a scene needs to stop, for example. Or you may choose to hold a bell and ring it to signify a limit. A hand signal can also be used as long as your scene doesn’t inhibit the use of your hands.
 
Alcohol and Other Drugs
Participants should never consume alcohol or other drugs that alter consciousness before or during BDSM. BDSM requires a great deal of trust and attention to limits. Drugs and alcohol can make it difficult to be in touch with personal boundaries and the boundaries of others. The focus and awareness it takes to communicate limits require all the facilities of everyone involved.

Angela Towne, Sexuality Educator