BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, domination, submission, and sadomasochism. BDSM is short-hand for a spectrum of sexual behaviors that emphasize eroticized power-dynamics and focus on creating body sensations.

A Few Vocabulary Words…

“Scene”
BDSM has been described as “mostly theater,” so it makes sense that a BDSM session is called a scene. The details of a particular scene depend on the desires of the participants; all scenes must be negotiated ahead of time.

“Bottom”
The role of the “bottom” is to set the boundaries and content of the scene.

“Top”
The “top” is responsible for making sure all the activities that make up a scene stay within the boundaries of the bottom. It is said that “The burden of safety is on the top.” Acting as the top requires a great deal of time, energy, and focus in order to create a scene based on the limits and desires of the bottom.

Consent in BDSM
Giving consent means that those involved freely agree to participate in a sexual scenario. Because of the nature of BDSM, a great deal of communication and negotiation needs to take place before a scene begins. Partners should communicate specific details about the type of situation they desire as well as the boundaries of play. Be sure to discuss any fears, uncertainties, and any “hard limits,” which are activities that you will not participate in.

Consent Continues throughout Play
The focus on consent doesn’t end once limits are established, but continues throughout play. Tops constantly check-in with their bottoms throughout a scene by stating boundaries and seeing their bottom’s reaction, such as, “Can you take seven more for me?” Resistance can be part of the turn on, so tops must be very attentive to indicators of limits, especially when increasing the intensity of play. If your partner starts holding his breath or tensing her body, these are indicators that your partner is not okay and it’s time to back off or stop. If there is any question about whether or not your partner is having difficulties STOP the scene.

Safety Words
Safe words are words stated to signal a limit or to end a scene. Agree on a safe word that will not be confused as part of the action, such as stating your full name. Another popular method is using colors, such as “green” to indicate all is good, “yellow” to indicate “caution, I’m approaching my limit.” And “red” to indicate “stop.”

But What if I’m Gagged?
You might be thinking, “But what do I do if I’m gagged?” If you are negotiating a scene where you won’t be able to speak, there are a number of “safe signals” that you can use. A bottom might hold a ball (or other object) in one hand and drop the ball if a scene needs to stop, for example. Or you may choose to hold a bell and ring it to signify a limit. A hand signal can also be used as long as your scene doesn’t inhibit the use of your hands.
 
Alcohol and Other Drugs
Participants should never consume alcohol or other drugs that alter consciousness before or during BDSM. BDSM requires a great deal of trust and attention to limits. Drugs and alcohol can make it difficult to be in touch with personal boundaries and the boundaries of others. The focus and awareness it takes to communicate limits require all the facilities of everyone involved.

Angela Towne, Sexuality Educator