Different couples have different experiences adding a third to their sex life. What works for one couple won’t necessarily work for another. I’ve included a number of guidelines to help you and your partner determine what works best for your situation in creating a successful and positive experience.

Have a Stable Relationship First
Before introducing a third into your couple sex, be sure your primary relationship is stable. Although the experience of three-way sex can be healing for some, it can also magnify conflict and unresolved issues. Introducing a third person into your relationship dynamics requires a great deal of honest discussion, so be sure the communication lines are open.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Couples with successful three-way experiences tend to have excellent communication skills. After all, introducing a third gives them a lot of practice. What do couples communicate about? Boundaries
Who will join us? Only a stranger? Only a friend? What gender? Whatever your preference, discuss who you’re most comfortable with.

Where? Agree on a relaxed location, such as only at our house or only at a sex club.

Sexual Limits? Your sexual limits will probably be different with a joiner than they are with your mate. Be sure to discuss desires, uncertainties, and any off-limit activities.

Safer Sex. No matter what your age, sexual orientation, or economic status, everyone is vulnerable to STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection). Discuss what strategies all three of you will use to keep safe. (See “Safer Sex Communication Skills” for more information.)    
Your Joiner’s Boundaries
Your joiner has boundaries of his or her own that may or may not match your relationship boundaries. Have a discussion with your new sex partner as a couple to make sure everyone is comfortable and clear. Confirm that everyone agrees on boundaries before sexual activity begins.

Agreements Increase Your Chances
Here are examples of boundaries people agree on before group (or partner) sex that increase your chances of a positive experience. Agree to…

1. Ask First. No one has to do anything they don’t want to do. If someone is interested in an activity that hasn’t been explicitly discussed ahead of time, agree to ask first.

2. No Means No. Agree that any “no” response will be respected even if someone is changing his or her mind about a previous agreement.
 
3. Yes Means Yes. “I don’t know” and “maybe” responses mean “No, right now.” Agree to consider these alternate responses as “No” answers.
 
4. Safe Word(s). A safe word is a word that’s stated during sex play signaling that a participant wants to stop a particular activity. It’s best to choose a word that won’t be mistaken for play, such as a favorite city. Make sure all participants know what safe word(s) will be used ahead of time.

Red Flags
Introducing three-way sex into your long-term relationship should always be done with respect and full consent from all involved. If your partner, male or female, is pressuring, making ultimatums or threats, or is contacting potential sex partners against your wishes, these are red flags that your relationship could be abusive. Being forced or coerced into three-way sex is rape and is illegal. Never pressure anyone into sexual activity, and always bring your highest level of love and communication into these discussions.

By: Angela Towne, Sexuality Educator