Just turn off the lights, close your eyes, and hope for the best.

Sounds more like jumping from a speeding train than a technique for achieving sexual fulfillment. Unfortunately, this cultural status quo leads many to sexual frustration and fake orgasms. Thankfully, however, a little communication can go a long way in improving sexual satisfaction, and it’s not too late to turn things around. Here are a few tips to get you started.

Stay Calm
Discussing sexual needs and desires can be intimidating for anyone. Find ways to calm yourself and get centered before communication takes place. Take many deep breaths. Remember, if you’re relaxed when talking about sex, your partner is more likely to be relaxed as well.

Focus on the Positive
Often, we don’t communicate our sexual needs because we don’t want our partner to feel criticized. Try beginning a conversation by first discussing what you really like about sex with your lover. This can help get a dialogue going.

“Lead in” to Specifics
It can feel threatening for some to just blurt out a sexual desire. Here are some great ways to lead in to specific statements about what you want sexually.

“I read an interesting article about female orgasms the other day. It said…”

“I saw something on-line about this toy…”

“I was looking through this book and it showed this position…”

“Honey, remember that movie we saw the other day where the couple…”

Using a “lead in” can be a smooth, non-threatening way to let your partner know what you’re interested in trying.

Take “No” for an AnswerNow that you’ve built up the guts to talk about what you want sexually, it can be quite a blow when your lover says, “No.” Respect any “no” answers that you get, but don’t let them shut down communication. A “no” answer to one request only means that there is a “yes” answer to something else.

Sometimes it’s Better to Show than to Tell
There may be specific types of stimulation that you need sexually that are difficult to explain. Sometimes it’s better to show your partner where and how you would like to be touched. Simply ask for your partner’s hand, gently guide him or her to the correct area, and, keeping your hand on top, show the technique you would like him or her to use.

Be Open and Playful
Calm and respectful communication builds trust and encourages a free-flowing exchange of ideas between lovers. When both partners are free to share their needs and ideas, they create an open and playful environment. This type of environment inspires great sex.

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Angela Towne, Sexuality Educator